anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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