I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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