Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
