if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
