have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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