so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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