tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
