you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
