He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
