the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
