No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
