The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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