Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
