Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
