Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
