when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
