My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Randomize
