I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
