OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
