I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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