I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
