it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
