I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
