Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
