If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
