Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I wear drunk well.
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