Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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