just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
