I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
