Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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