The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
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