If that was your dad, he is hot
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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