My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
