Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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