rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
