Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
