On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
