Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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