seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Randomize
