On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
