but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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