Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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