Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
