were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
