If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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