Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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