there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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