the new term for farting is butt boxing.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
