note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
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