Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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