Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
