goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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