: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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