So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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